Arsenal finally won the Premier League after a 22-year drought, and their supporters immediately began behaving as if English football had witnessed the birth of a new dynasty. Calm down. The club has not successfully defended a league championship since 1935.
One championship does not make a dynasty. It makes Arsenal the football equivalent of a man who wins one hand of blackjack and starts selling financial advice.
Credit where it is due: Arsenal won the league and reached the Champions League final last season. Then they lost that final to PSG on penalties, maintaining their perfect record of never winning Europe’s biggest competition.
That is Arsenal heritage in its purest form. Raise expectations, create commemorative merchandise and then discover a new, psychologically damaging way to lose.
The supporters will call last season the beginning of something special. Tottenham supporters recognize it as the beginning of a documentary about how everything went wrong.
William Saliba has a long-term back injury, while Jurriën Timber remains sidelined by an ongoing groin problem. Arsenal’s excellent defence is therefore beginning its title defense without two of its most important pieces.
The club responded by spending £51 million on Ezri Konsa. Arsenal will describe this as “proactive squad building.” Everyone else can recognize an emergency purchase made by a club staring directly into the abyss.
Gabriel will now spend the season defending, organizing and trying not to receive another yellow card for wrestling someone during a corner. David Raya will continue standing 40 yards from goal, waiting to become the centerpiece of a viral humiliation.
Arsenal paid £75 million for Bruno Guimarães, adding him to a midfield containing Declan Rice, Martin Ødegaard, Martín Zubimendi, Eberechi Eze and Mikel Merino.
That is an impressive collection of midfielders. Unfortunately, Premier League rules still require Arsenal to select only 11 players, and none of those midfielders can prevent the club from passing sideways for 20 minutes before smashing a cross into the first defender.
Bruno then suffered an injury during his competitive debut and missed the league opener. He understood the assignment immediately. Nothing integrates a player into Arsenal’s culture faster than joining the injury list. Viktor Gyökeres scored 14 Premier League goals last season, which is respectable but hardly the output of an unstoppable striker. Arsenal apparently believe he will simply become prolific because everyone has asked nicely.
The club tried to sign Vinícius Júnior and ended up adding Christos Tzolis, who profiles more as a useful squad player than a transformative attacker. It is like entering a dealership for a Ferrari and leaving with a sensible hatchback because the salesperson mentioned fuel economy.
Bukayo Saka remains the emergency plan for everything:
- Give Saka the ball.
- Watch three defenders surround him.
- Complain when he does not produce magic.
- Win a corner.
- Perform synchronized wrestling in the penalty area.
- Call Mikel Arteta a tactical genius.
Arsenal defeated Manchester City 3–0 in the Community Shield and opened the league season with another 3–0 victory over newly promoted Coventry.
Arsenal supporters have already begun planning the parade. Sensible football fans know these victories are merely raising the height from which the collapse will eventually occur.
The schedule soon includes Chelsea, Brighton, Liverpool away, Newcastle away and Manchester City. Add Champions League football, domestic cups and Arteta’s tradition of treating every match like a military operation, and the annual Arsenal exhaustion festival should arrive right on schedule.
Arsenal will spend four months near the top of the table. Their supporters will produce graphics comparing Arteta to Guardiola, Ferguson and possibly Napoleon.
Then Saliba’s absence will become impossible to ignore. Ødegaard will stop creating chances, Gyökeres will disappear for six matches, and Arteta will blame fixture congestion after selecting the same lineup for the 14th consecutive game.
Final prediction:
- Premier League: Fifth
- Champions League: Painful knockout defeat after “controlling both legs”
- FA Cup: Eliminated by a team described as “well organized”
- League Cup: Suddenly declared unimportant after losing
- Annual achievement: Another beautifully produced “We Go Again” social-media post
The trophy may currently belong to Arsenal, but North London still knows how this story normally ends: excuses, motivational Instagram captions and Spurs supporters enjoying every second.
High Horse Sports 
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